I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in 2002. My triplets were two years old and the pain in my shoulders prevented me from holding my babies as much as they/ I wanted. Although I've observed my Mom fighting and struggling with Fibro for many years before my diagnosis, I decided that I'd never give up on the possibility of overcoming this illness. I had goals, dreams and babies to raise and support.
I discovered that yoga was a great way for me to manage the pain of Fibro and exercise helped with the Fog. My determination lead me to becoming a certified yoga instructor and eventually opening my own studio. After a few years of teaching, the yoga began to trigger flares of full body pain. I pushed through; trying different methods of rest, epsom salt baths, heating pads, massage, etc… The pain only got worse. Eventually, the exhaustion took over and I could no longer handle even the slightest amount of stress. A good day would dangle glimmers of hope and a good month would convince me that my efforts were paying off and I was overcoming this illusive illness…until waking up and feeling as though a truck ran over me.
Each time this cycle of hope and disappointment would make it's rounds, I'd think about ways to stop the emotional roller coaster. An easy way would be to shut down the feelings of hope, in order to avoid the disappointment on the other end. This just doesn't feel as though it would enhance my quality of life. It sounds more like giving up and that's not a concept that works well for me.
Maybe, just maybe, I'm hoping for the wrong things. My mind has been set on overcoming Fibromyalgia so that I can get back to my life. That life was many years ago. There is a chance that my old life just doesn't fit for me anymore. Come to think of it, the high stress and loads of responsibility that comes with owning and managing my own business don't seem to fit for me anymore.
I refuse to believe that I no longer have a place for hopes and dreams in my life! I just need to allow them to be realistic to my abilities. I can cook a wonderful dinner for my husband and kids, when I'm feeling up to it. I can enjoy an amazing book as long as I let go of the expectation that I'll remember the last chapter I read. I can be funny, joyful and caring. I can trust my true friends will support and love me for who I am, not what I can or can't do.
I hope for a day when Fibromyalgia is understood and can be managed and eventually eliminated. It may not be in my lifetime, so until then, I'm keeping hope alive for all who have and will be affected by this illness.
When I can, I will and when I do, I do with all my heart and soul!
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