Sunday, June 30, 2013

A Day of Rest

Wow!  It's Sunday.  The plan was to go to the annual beach day with the greatest group of people, but I woke up with so much pain, I could hardly move.  In my typical Terri fashion, I went through the motions, slowly, of getting ready to follow through with the family plan.  I knew I needed some assistance, so my husband was close by for my morning routine, helping me along the way.  After my shower, I had to lay down.  I even tried brushing my hair in bed, putting my face cream on while struggling to lift my arms.  I was determined, but it was clear that I wasn't going to get very far today.


I often want to deny or push through the fibromyalgia with the hope that I can overcome it's debilitating effects on my body and mind.  Of course I would have loved to have spent the day on the beach with my great husband, wonderful kids and amazing friends.  Today, I needed a day of rest.  It's hard to not feel as though I missed out on something fun.  I somehow have to believe that there is a bigger reason why today, of all days, my body was experiencing such challenges.  I'm sad that I missed out, but I'm happy that my family didn't.

Before leaving for the beach day, Ray set me up with all that I needed, in the living room.  I slept through three movies, drank my juices, checked in with FB and slept a little more.  Sometimes we just need a day of rest.

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Friday, June 28, 2013

A Passion for Healthy Living

It just feels so good to know that I'm doing the right things for better health.  It's not the feeling of depriving myself or having to do things a certain way, as in a forced action, but a natural enthusiasm to do them.  I'm talking about everything from eating healthy foods, learning more about which food help my body, which food corporations are in alignment with my values, exercising, choosing to be around positive people, learning from those who have been there, paying attention to the breadcrumbs that are in my path and listening to my inner guidance through prayer and meditation.

Winter time has been a more challenging time for my body experiencing fibromyalgia and the foods that are readily available during that time of year, are not the best for my wellness.  Spring and Summer bring so many more opportunities for healthy eating.  Last year, my husband and I changed our eating habits drastically.  I had known, for a few years, that caffeine, sugar, gluten, dairy and a number of night shade vegetables wreaked havoc on my system.  Many of these foods caused inflammation, which turned into some painful days, some affect my capacity to think clearly and make sound decisions (brain fog) and some stopped my digestive system completely.  I tried many times to change my eating habits but found it very challenging when I was shopping and cooking for four other people in my household who loved to eat what I couldn't have.  My will power was directly connected to my energy levels.  When the chronic fatigue was acting up, my body would want the quick energy foods like carbs and sugar to try to bring up my energy.  That all changed when Ray and I were at a seminar together and a food documentary was shown.  He got the message immediately.  He was someone who  would eat instant oatmeal for every meal, always have an extra large Dunkin Donut's tea in hand and think nothing of eating a bag of chocolate chip cookies as an evening snack.  After the documentary was shown, he walked straight to the trash and threw away his XL tea with extra sugar and hasn't had caffeine since.  Through the winter, we've veered off our healthy eating track, just a little.  Now, we are committed to getting back on track and with some additional research, I know even more about what foods will help me heal, not just keep my pain at bay.


Yesterday, we started a 30 day juice fast.  I've read, watched documentaries and researched the benefits of juicing and have wanted to get a juicer for months.  Again, Ray saw a documentary with me and the next day, we were out buying a juicer.  This is our second day and I can already feel the benefits.  I admit, this early in the game, it may be the placebo effect, but I'll take feeling better any day.  I'll write more about the progress as we go along in the next 28 days.

The natural enthusiasm I mentioned earlier is popping up in areas I never thought I'd be enthusiastic about.  Politics has never been one of those areas I've been very interested in. Lately, I've been curious about what I can contribute to do my part on a bigger scale.  I've created a daily practice of self care, I am contributing in areas where I can, locally and I feel a pull to help on a national and global scale.  I see the protests by everyday people, who just want to be treated fairly and I wish I were there with them.  I can feel an uprising of personal advocacy within myself and a kinship with those who are putting their heart and souls into making change.  One small thing that I was introduced to is an app, called Buycott, for my phone. I can scan food barcodes to find out if the company is in alignment with my values.  This gives me a choice to support them by purchasing their products or not.  I'm finding this information very powerful.  I feel as though I have a say in what I feed my family and what I put into my body.  I find comfort in the truth and being able to make my own decisions based on the truth and not based on the marketing ads we are flooded with everyday.

Choice is huge when it comes to our healthy lives.  It took me almost 40 years to realize that I could choose who I spend my time with, who I learned from and who I would allow into my inner circle.  I was conditioned to think that if someone was in my life for a very long period, I was obligated to stick by their side.  People change, and sometimes in those long term relationships, people grow in different directions.  Priorities may change or something that had been tolerated for years becomes a huge obstacle to try to stay true to yourself, the longer you choose to tolerate it.  I feel the pull to be my divine self and I've lost some important people in my life because of it.  I see this as a clearing.  Sometimes things, towns, jobs or people just don't fit into the divine plan any longer and to continue on my path, I must allow the changes and sometimes make difficult choices.  I am grateful for my faith.  Without it, these changes would have been impossible, but once a decision was made, someone or something else came through, and lifted me to a new vibration.

Health, being my number two value in life, poses some challenges as I experience fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, IBS, and the list goes on.  I'm committed to extreme self care, which includes my whole self.  Mind, body and spirit.  This 30 day fast is another stepping stone of learning how to heal my body, mind and spirit.

I'm happy to have you be a part of my journey and I hope there are some nuggets you can take with you to grow and allow your divine self to burst through.

Thanks for reading, forwarding and following my posts!!!

Thursday, June 27, 2013

In Search of a Pink Tutu

It's been an unusually busy week and I'm in need of some laughter and fun.  I just don't know if I can muster up enough energy to laugh today, but tomorrow and the weekend would be perfect.  My sleep and daily routine has been compromised this week with the kids' camp schedule.  This was my choice to drive them to and from Boston every day this week and it's worth it to see them having so much fun. I didn't anticipate that the schedule would flatten me as much as it has.  I'm still learning what's doable and what's a struggle.  While I'm recovering, this weekend and next week, I''m going to come up with at least three things to do for pure fun.

My first is to wear a tutu for either running or for a full day.  I saw some awesome, multicolored leggings that would go perfectly with a red or pink tutu.  I like the full day idea....hmmm.  I must think more about this :)  I like how when a child walks in a tutu, there's a bit of a bounce on the ruffles.  That makes me smile.  I'm hoping that if I wear mine for a day, it makes people smile and not call the guys in the white suits.


Maybe I can convince my kids to join me in dance party, in the house, this weekend.  They can teach me the new steps and I can teach them the sprinkler or the Henry Winkler.

On a side note, I'm in bed, hardly able to move my body and I'm lucky there is auto correct on this program, because my fingers aren't hitting the letters needed.  I'm grateful that even with the exhaustion and extreme heaviness of my eyes, that my spirit is flowing through to express what is underneath this shell of a body.  Physically, everything is in slow motion and there is so much I feel I want to do, but I know I must regain my energy stores.

The thing that comes through when I'm allowing myself to go beyond the physical, is finding a tutu, so I can embarrass my kids....I mean, so I can have fun and enjoy some child like energy and laugh.  So far, I have a tutu plan, but no tutu.  I'm sure the universe is working on this already :) Then I have a dance party planned and I need one more plan for fun and laughter.

Nothing is coming to mind, so I'm going to ask for your help.  Please share with me what you do to laugh and have fun.  What do you do to get out of a rut?  Do you have any ideas for me?  I'd love to hear all about them!

Thanks for reading, forwarding and following my posts!!!

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

A Special Welcome to Greece, Poland and Ireland!

I am so overjoyed, grateful and amazed that three more countries have joined my community of readers.  As a blog that was meant as an outlet for me to express my authentic self and feel as though I wasn't hiding my illnesses, I am surprised how much it has touched others.

This process helps me heal and my wish for my readers is that it inspires, encourages and activates you to also move in the direction of healing.  We, as a community, dealing with Chronic Illness, are here for a reason!  We must learn what works for us, as individuals, support each other and then teach the world how to heal.

Seeing people from all over the globe, reading my posts, gives me hope that we are all connected and all seek healing and hope for more than ourselves, but for our families, communities, states and the planet.


Please take what you can from my posts to tap into your destiny, then share it.  Every person has the potential to make a difference.  Each of us has a place in creating a loving and healthy world.


Thank you for reading and joining this community; Greece, Poland, and Ireland!!  This makes up a total of 13 countries, around the world who have found some bit of treasure in my blog.  I'm honored and pleased that you are all here!


Thanks for reading, forwarding and following my posts!!!




Tuesday, June 25, 2013

There Must Be Some Storms on the Horizon

I don't need a weather forecast or an app with the next ten days of weather predictions.  My body tells me what's coming.

It was a beautiful, sunny day yesterday and usually those days bring me energy.  On sunny and warm days, I'm more productive.  My brain fog gives me a break and I feel more like myself again.  But yesterday, I struggled with exhaustion.  I was in Boston while the kids were at acting camp and instead of driving back and forth, I decided I'd just stay in Boston for the four hours they have camp.  Although, I found a nice coffee shop with free wi-fi, I struggled to keep my eyes open.  I thought about trying to nap in the car because my body just needed to lay down.  I pushed through, but by the time I got everyone home, I was toast.  My body was screaming and I had no choice but to listen.  It was 5pm and I laid down in bed.  At 10pm the kids came to say 'goodnight', and I slept right through until 6 in the morning.  My husband told me there were storms through the evening, but I have no recollection of them.

Today was a similar day with being in Boston while the kids were at camp.  I thought that if I took a slow walk by the Charles River, it may give me a little energy.  Well, my legs decided to become overcooked pasta.  It was difficult to walk, so I sat on a bench in the shade for just a few minutes until my fibro pain was too much too handle on the hard bench.  Back to the car I went.

All day, I've been rubbing my hands.  My fingers and wrists have been aching.  Picking up a bottle of water sent shooting pains up my arm.  I can feel the pressure in the air change and become heavier.  Thinking becomes slower and my shoulders and head feel as though I'm wearing sand bag earrings.

The thicker and heavier the air gets, the more pressure I feel.  As the pressure rises, so do my emotions. It's a bit like having PMS during every thunderstorm, ice storm or snow storm.  It sounds so simple to just remind myself that the storm will pass, but in the midst of the spinning tornado, it's a challenge to focus on being grounded.

As I sit here and write, I can hear the rain, the sky is lighting up with flashes and loud crashing thunder is rolling through.

My eyes are heavy and just want to close for another 13 hours, but I know that I need a bit a food and rest to take care of myself.  Maybe even a nice candle and pleasant show to watch.  More blessings are on their way and tomorrow is another day.

Thanks for reading, forwarding and following my posts!!!

Monday, June 24, 2013

Inspiration and Another Healing Song

This isn't just any song!  There's a story attached and it keeps getting more and more significant.  Calling All Angels by Train is a song I connected to during a time I felt stuck in the shadows.  The business I started, a yoga studio, was meant to support myself and my triplets.  At the time I was a single mom and needed to have the flexibility as well as the passion for the business I was operating.  Seasons of Yoga had both.  For two years, it grew and looked as though it would be the piece that was missing, financially in my family.  Then the fibro fog hit.  I wasn't even aware that my brain functioning had dropped.  I wondered why attendance was dropping and began to grasp at anything I could think of to save my business.  I made some poor decisions out of desperation, and I used credit to try to keep the business afloat. My business finances began to suffer and my personal finances began to suffer.  I was in a panic, I felt alone and felt there was no where else to turn.  I began to pray and one day, I heard this song.  Calling All Angels by Train, it helped me through, made me feel less alone and gave me some guidance.  I listened to that song over and over again.  Although, my business went into bankruptcy, my healing music, my family and my faith carried me through.

During the same time period, I was producing and hosting a couple of television shows at the community tv station.  One was a talk show called, Divine Time.  It focused on extraordinary people and their stories.  I wanted my guests to share how they came to be guided to the place they are currently. I wanted to know if they felt they were on their divine path and how did they found it?  Hearing these stories inspired me and my hope was that it also inspired my viewers.  One of my guests was an amazing woman named, Denise DeSimone.  Singing and spirituality were a couple of her passions, before I even met her.  My first introduction to Denise was at my spiritual center.  She was the guest singer and the song she sang was, Calling All Angels. A shiver ran through me and the tears began to flow.  At the time, I didn't know that her story would inspire me at a much deeper level than I ever expected  Telling you her story wouldn't do it justice, so here's a link of Denise telling her own story.



It's probably been about seven years since she was on my show and now I'm faced with an opportunity to heal my body.  Granted, I don't have a life threatening disease, but I still connect with her process, intuition and persistence.  Denise has been very busy since she's been cancer free.  She has written a book about her journey, From Stage IV to Center Stage.  I feel very strongly that her story can help all of us who deal with chronic pain, a change in lifestyle that we have little control over and so much more.

As a bonus to this post, my husband and I are in a position to have to replace one of our cars.  It's not safe and will cost us much more to fix than it's worth.  In the process of looking at all our options, none seemed feasible.  Just when I was at my wits end, Denise posted that she was selling her very safe, 7-seater, good condition car.  Everything about this car fit our needs.  Ray enjoys driving a large, solid car and the triplets are tired of being pickled in the back of my Prius. It didn't seem to meet my needs, as much, because I'm a carbon footprint watcher, save the trees, small living type of person.  Then, during meditation, it hit me.  It's the perfect vehicle for me!  Look at who's energy is in this car.  Look at what the purpose of this vehicle was.  She used it to travel from place to place to tell her extraordinary story of healing and it was packed full of her high energy books with the message of healing.  I can't even imagine the healing energy I can receive just by being in her car.

If you're interested in more information about the incredible Denise Desimone, here is her website http://www.denisedesimone.com/


Thanks for reading, forwarding and following my posts!!!

A Process, Not a Destination

I've always believed that what we encounter and learn today is preparing us for something that is down the road.  We are ever evolving, growing and learning.  This thing called life is a process, not a destination.  Each experience is a stepping stone and the more aware we are of the choices we make and the stepping stones we take, the more we can create our experiences.

As someone with Fibromyalgia, Major Depression and a long list of other medical diagnosis, I don't think that I brought these on in this lifetime, but I do believe that my choices along the way, whether conscious or unconscious, have lead me to how I perceive my life now.  I've experienced great suffering because of the choices I've made.  My resistance to my physical needs when I was first diagnosed, caused my body more pain than needed.  I had to learn extreme self-care and find out who I am underneath the physical.  Sure, I can be very angry about my circumstances, I sometimes even get angry with myself, at times there's blame and shame.  What is important is to take note and be aware of when these emotions come up, allow them to come through with acceptance that emotions are normal.  Then remember who we truly are and how we'd like to move through the pain or sorrow.

I often go to memories of my childhood.  During the process of really looking at the trauma of my childhood, I could see that there were some gifts even back then.  These gifts continue to help me through tough times now, in my 40's.  One of the first stepping stones that I remember is the first word I read.  Most kids read, 'cat', or 'dog' but me...my first word was 'EXIT'.  I was walking through a store with my parents and I looked up and the letters, over the door, made sense to me.  The first time the symbols, that I've been shown, sang about all 26 of them and was given little books filled with the symbols, I read 'EXIT' first.  As a 5 or 6 year old, the most important word for me to know, was how to get out.  How to escape.  At the time, I had no idea that there was a reason why that was my first word, but it really helped me feel safer and more secure that I knew that if bad things happened, look for the word, 'EXIT'.

Another stepping stone for me was a little framed, cartoonish picture that my mom brought home for me one day.  She hung it in my bedroom.  I thought it was cute, with a little elf who was smiling and seemed joyful.  The quote on the picture was, "To Thine Own Elf Be True".  I must have been about 7 years old and I had no clue what that quote meant.  I couldn't wrap my brain around why my mom wanted me to think that I was an Elf.  I left the picture up for years, reading it over and over again thinking that maybe one day, I'll understand what the message was.  Many, and I mean many years later...well, college years, I finally got it.  Be true to myself!  The next step was to learn what that meant.  How can we be true to ourselves when there are so many expectations, in our culture, to put other people first, be selfless.  The word selfish was taboo.  It wasn't until my 30's did I realize that being selfish, taking care of yourself before others was a crucial part of being available to take care of others.  I realized also, that the picture from all those years ago, was a reminder to follow your own path, listen to the still small voice inside.  Learn, live and know your truth.  It is impossible to find and follow your destined path if you are following someone else's truth.

At 45 years old, I still use these important stepping stones from early in my life.  I realized that if I know my fibro triggers, I can try to avoid them or find the exit and remove myself from them.  I realize that extreme self care is not a negative thing.  It gives me energy, builds my joy and makes me want to reach out to others with exuberance and compassion.  When I sometimes forget these lessons along the way, I become depleted, creating a physical environment of more illness and feeling sorry for myself.  I must remind myself, every day, that even as a young child, I was guided to learn the word 'EXIT' for a reason.  I had guidance, strength and courage at a very young age and those things don't fade away.  They are part of who I am.


Thanks for reading, forwarding and following my posts!

Saturday, June 22, 2013

If I Close My Eyes, It'll End

Have you ever had such a good day that you didn't want to go to bed because you just didn't want the goodness to change?  The last couple of days have been this way for me.  The sun has been shining, my energy levels have been good, my pain levels have been tolerable, my brain fog has been humorous, and I'm having fun.  Fun...Just in typing that word, I feel a heart swell, like seeing an old friend for the first time in years.

I began my day, yesterday with the intention of doing something a bit out of the ordinary, just to step out of my comfort zone.  I'm not sure if it's a mid-life crisis thing, an expression of a long missed joy thing, an attempt to get out of a rut thing, or maybe even a mental health thing :) I remember, back when I was in my mid 30's, I was so stuck in the Mom role that I began spending time with people 10 years younger than me, going to bars, meeting new people and getting out of my 'mom jeans', so to speak.  I craved fun...with adults.  The state I'm in now is similar.  I crave fun, laughter and experiencing new things because I'm tired of battling.  Battling doctors, diagnosis, pain, illness, spiritual conflicts, depression.  I want peace, joy, laughter and a little 'crazy' in my life.  The good crazy, not the institutionalized crazy :)

Oh, so back to yesterday morning.  I did what I do.  I put my feet on the floor and headed out the door, for my morning exercise.  On my way to the door, my mind got distracted and I walked down to the basement.  There, I saw the grass skirts we recently wore to a birthday party.  Ah-ha!  I decided to wear my grass skirt and lei jogging.  So at 7 am, I walked through the living room with my hawaiian attire on over my running garb, past my teenage daughter (who, by the way, pretended she didn't see her nutty mom) and went out for a run.  What fun!  I think I made a couple of people, driving to work, smile too.  So, why not?  It was different and fun and I made people smile.  When I got back, my daughter said, "did you really just go running in that?!"  I told her "yes".  She lifted her iPod to take a picture and I insisted we go outside to take the picture, for better lighting.  By that time she was smiling and I don't think I was seen as the most embarrassing Mom in the neighborhood.  She seemed to understand and appreciate the fun in it.

The rest of the day flowed with ease and grace.  With the appointments I had, the transportation of teens and typical family responsibilities, there were no hiccups.  There were even some potential triggers, but I sailed by them with joy in my heart.  I'm sure I've said this before, but I believe we can all live a life where most, it not all, of our days flow with ease and grace.  I'm exploring how to sustain this lifestyle :)  I've even tried not going to sleep at night for fear of losing the flow.  By the way, this tactic doesn't work.  I was enjoying myself so much that I didn't want to close my eyes because I knew that when I did, I'd fall asleep and my blissful day would end.

Some of you, who have been following my blog, may have noticed that I didn't write last night.  My day was so wonderful, that I kept on going until I was just too tired to continue and decided that being a good steward to the health of my body was more important than writing my post.

I'm glad I took a day off, because now I can share with you that today was a blissful day, too!  Even though I closed my eyes last night, I woke up this morning with the ability to sustain the ease and grace.    So here are some conclusions I've come up with during my experiment regarding sustaining a flow of ease and grace in every day life.


1.  Do what fills your soul (read about and practice your spiritual beliefs)
2.  Be a good steward to the health of your body (get sleep when you need sleep, etc, etc...)
3.  Don't take things so seriously.  We are spiritual beings having a human experience.  The circumstances surrounding us are not who we are.
4.  Follow the breadcrumbs (we are given signs from the universe all the time, pay attention)
5.  Keep the silly alive (jog in a grass skirt)


Thanks for reading, forwarding and following my posts!!!

Thursday, June 20, 2013

I've Decided...I Don't Enjoy the Swings Anymore

Remember as a young child, we couldn't wait to go to the park to swing on the swings.  It took me so long to figure out how to pump my legs, but once I did, I felt so accomplished!  There was so much pride and it was fun.  I would think about trying to pump my feet hard enough to loop myself all the way around.

I bring my children to the park and one of my daughters will stay on the swings the entire time.  The other two enjoy them, still, but like to explore other areas of the park as well.

This is a great metaphor for adult life.  With the waxing and waning of pain and ups and downs of depression, these swings are no fun.  I'm constantly aware of keeping my thoughts and attitude positive even though just under the surface is pain and sadness.  It feels as if there is just this thin membrane keeping the rumblings of pain and tears from breaking through.  It seems as though my body is easily triggered lately.  Much more than before.  It's a feeling of being raw and if someone touches my skin it hurts. The emotions are triggered just as easily.  My body feels as thought there is no skin and my ribcage is broken open, exposing my heart.  There's a feeling of ripping or tearing of my heart.  Since I don't enjoy the swings any longer, I'll be exploring other areas of the park.

This morning I woke up in great spirits, I did my run.  And I was glad that it was less of a joggle and more of an actual run.  I took in the warmth of the sun and envisioned my day in Boston with my family.  As soon as I walked into my home, after the run, I was triggered by a comment.  I shifted my thinking, was aware of the shift in mood and chose to not react negatively.  A few minutes later I was triggered by actions that were the direct opposite of what I requested.  Again, I went through my tools and looked at the other side of things and chose react positively.  The Chronic Fatigue was beginning to show its face and the stressors were draining me.

The family got into the car, to head Boston, and just as we got on the highway, I realized the time.  We were an hour later than we had planned.  We had non-refundable tickets to enjoy the Boston Duck Tour and we were going to miss it.  My defenses were depleted and my swing was out of control.  I lost it.  My anger hit the roof.  I felt as though the planning of the day was all on my shoulders, including keeping time, keeping everyone moving in the right direction and making it to our destination on time.  These are the days when I feel as though my brain is clear and functioning well and I think that's the perception of others also, but today proves that's not the case.  We have a large paper calendar in the kitchen and each of us have linked calendar apps on our phones/ipods.  So my question is, why is it, no one else noticed the time we were suppose to be there and helped correct my obvious fibro brain?

It's a tough dilema when I present physically, emotionally and mentally okay, but we realize after the fact that I wasn't fine.  I was forgetting things, getting lost on my way to the YMCA, which is a straight, 3 mile shot from our house or I was getting into the car an hour late.  Today, I'm sure it had something to do with my brain saying that we had to leave by quarter to 10 and my language said 10:45.  I think I'm saying the correct thing.  Everyone around me thinks I'm saying the correct thing but without someone to double check my communications, we all get stuck on the swing.

Gratefully, as we were on the road and I was pitching a fit, my loving husband called ahead to see if we could take a later tour.  My state of mind had already determined that the day was shot and it was my fault.  There was that tiny sparkle of hope when I asked someone to step in and find out if we had any other options.  For the most part, I was almost to the point of giving up and Ray got confirmation that there was room on another tour.

This fibro fog, depression and pain swings are a challenge and I'm beginning to see signs of teenage metamorphosis.  I'm realizing that it is possible to find balance with family and health, but the transition is going to be interesting.

I am grateful that I just purchased my friend +Jackie Woodside's book, What if it's...Time For A Change.  I'm on the second chapter and it's helping me understand my change temperament.  I know it's different from younger, painless years, so I'll be looking at how I can prepare for change with other, energy draining, challenges in my life.

Here's to no swings tomorrow and less stress.

Thanks for reading, forwarding and following!

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Enjoying a Blessed Stressed Blessed Sandwich

I did it!  I carefully, rolled out of bed early and took some quiet time for myself before waking the triplets to begin their day.  It was the beginning of the last day of school and they promised to be at school early to cook a breakfast for the graduating 8th graders.  The energy and excitement was in the air and I was handling it well, after my jog/walk/jog.  I felt ready to be open to what the day was going to bring me.  I told the kids that I'd pick them up at the end of the day, so they didn't have to carry all our borrowed kitchen ware on the bus.  This brought some scowls, so I told them that I'd pick up the items before school ended and they could enjoy their last bus ride home, this year.  I knew I needed to get my name changed on my license, so since I was driving the kids to school early anyway, it made sense for me to just show up early to the Department of Motor Vehicles to be one of the first in line when they open.  Good plan!  I was third and helped within ten minutes.  It was like the twilight zone.  I'm use to reading the Harry Potter series while waiting for my turn to be called at the DMV.  I realized that I was just down the street from the library and I knew that they were holding a book for me, so I went to pick up my book.  After the library, I received an email from my bank stating that there was a deposit made in my account.  Bonus!  Unexpected income.  Gotta love it!

One of my daughters asked me if I could straighten her hair before the school dance tonight, so that was the plan.  I took it easy most of the day to try to conserve energy for the two hour process ahead of me. She has very long, very thick and very curly hair.  I often tell her that many people pay good money to get their hair to look like hers.  At least I did, back in the 80's.

After school the excitement shifted from the last day to the big dance.  I even equipped myself with earplugs to block out the television noise while blowdrying and straightening hair.  You see, when the blowdryer goes on, the TV volume goes up, my nerves go berserk and my ears begin to ache.  I was good.  I thought ahead.  I didn't really anticipate that half way through, by body would quietly say, "sit down" then a little louder, "SIT DOWN" and when I didn't sit, my back began to spasm.  I took a short break from the flat iron fun and sat on the couch.  With some deep breaths, I then got up to finish. Her hair came out amazing, I must say so myself.

Meanwhile my son was standing at the mirror trying to remember what the youtube video taught him about tying a tie.  My other daughter decided that her bangs needed to be straightened and asked me to do it for her.  I had to say no and go rest in bed.  Next I saw her at my bedroom door in tears telling me that she messed up cutting her bangs and she needed my help.  I took some pain reliever and got her bangs back in order.

I promptly returned to my bed.  Then there was that call that makes all moms want to change their name.  "MOM! We need you", coming from the girls' bedroom.  It turns out, my youngest made big plans to get her hair straightened and neglected to try on the dress she planned to wear.  She's grown at least 4" and two sizes since she wore the dress her sister was trying to squeeze her into.  They wanted me to work some magic with getting the zipper closed.  As I hobbled in, in slow motion, I could tell right away, there was no amount of magic I could perform, in less than a half hour, before it was time to leave.  She had no dress to wear to the dance and when the reality hit, so did the tears.

What's a mom to do? Well, of course, I recruited my husband to drive two to the dance and I took the third to the store.  The first store, second dress she tried on and we resolved the crisis.  While paying for the dress, we got permission for her to re-enter the dressing room to get dressed for the dance.  She put shoes on while I put lotion on her knees.  She put earrings on while I applied her make-up.  As we were leaving the store, she said, "Mom. Thank you." with tears in her eyes.  She looked beautiful and showing up fashionably late, created a frenzy of, "yay, she's here!" with hugs all around.

I finally had a chance to rest my body before picking the three up at the dance.  10pm came very quickly and my over-cooked, wet noodle of a body didn't want to move.  I drove to pick them up and when they got in the car, all of them were eerily quiet.  I saw my middle child looking down and wiping her eyes, I could hear sniffles from the back seat and my son seemed sullen.  My super hero power of enhanced neurological sensitivity picked up on the deep sadness they were all feeling.  They were saying goodbye to the 8th graders who they spent a whole year getting to know.  Many had become good friends.  As much as I was aware that the emotions were not mine, I couldn't help but feel my heart being squeezed.  This may have been the first time I've seen them all grieve together.  I know they'll be okay and the memories will be what shines through when the sadness fades.

I am so blessed, often stressed, and so incredibly blessed!

Thank you for reading, forwarding and following my post!

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Not So Gentle Reminders

Wow!  What a whirl-wind, this morning.  It really started last night, but I think I was in such a fibro fog, it didn't phase me much.  At 9pm last night, I was asked if I could drive everyone to school, in the morning.  When I inquired as to why the bus wouldn't do, I was told that they all signed up to bring something in for a brunch they'd be making on their last day of school.  Well, that didn't exactly answer the bus question, but as I persisted in my questioning, I found out that one teen was borrowing our waffle maker, the other, a dozen eggs (good thing I had extra) and my third child agreed to bring in our extra large pancake skittle.  "Ok", I said about the ride to school, and I went off to bed.

This morning, I slept in an hour extra, forgoing my morning quiet time because of extreme fatigue.  Big mistake!  As soon as I was up, the excitement of three teenagers looking forward to going to a graduation, doing a flash mob dance for their classmates, working out what to wear, "Do these shoes match my dress?  Mom, can I go in your closet to see if you have shoes I can wear?"and the anticipation of tomorrow being the last day of school, began.  The emotions and energy were much too high for my neurologically sensitive, fibromyalgia, anxiety, sleep deprived body.  I was bumping into walls, I forgot they needed lunches and couldn't figure out the can opener while fighting with 'chicken of the sea'.  During the time all of this is going on, my calm, collected and half-awake husband wanders through to give me a kiss good morning then disappears back into the bedroom.

I usually wake up an hour before everyone else to exercise for a half hour, getting the blood flowing to the limbs and brain.  Then I sit with my cup of tea, pills and spiritual reading.  This helps me center, so I can start my day with a clear head (as much as fibro brain will allow on any given day) and an intention to carry me through the day.  Then I begin to wake the kids, so the morning hustle and bustle can begin.

Sometimes we just need a cosmic two-by-four up side the head to remind us to do the right thing.  Whether it's getting up a little earlier even though the fatigue is heavy or it's exercising even when the muscles ache, routine is important and shows the body consistency and respect.

Well, tomorrow is the last day of school and I was asked to drive them to school extra early, so they can begin cooking with all our borrowed kitchen ware.  So, I'm heading to bed, AND, I'm getting up at 5:30 to have my 'me time'.

Thanks for reading, forwarding and following my posts!

Monday, June 17, 2013

Mom Told Me I'd Have Days Like These

How many of us can truly admit that Mom was right?  Well, mine is  pretty on target with things and at 45 years old, I'm grateful for that.  Of course, at 15, she didn't know anything...so she's really learned a lot over the years. :-D

My Mom isn't one to give advice unsolicited.  She has always been one to allow space for growth and self learning and when we were ready for her two cents, we'd ask.  Even then, she didn't lecture.  It's more like answering just the question to not give more than what the inquisitor is ready to hear.

I've observed my mother live with Fibromyalgia since my late teens.  There wasn't much information about what she had, at the time, but we knew she was struggling with some physical ailment.  She had great fatigue, body aches, and she couldn't sleep at night.  And these are just the things I observed years back, so I'm sure there was much more she was trying to manage with her health.

Today, I give my Mom a nod of appreciation.  It just happened to be a more physically challenging day than I've had in a while.  I still woke up, put my feet on the floor and went out the door, for my morning joggle.  It was more of a zig zag joggle than usual.  I'm lucky we live on a fairly quiet street.  My balance was way off.  The energy from the endorphins, that I look forward to after exercise, just was not there.  Throughout the day, I would have half formulated thoughts of things that needed my attention, but I struggled to complete the though.  My balance was off so much that my husband didn't want me to use the outside grill to cook dinner, concerned that I may stumble onto the hot surface.

One of my daughters observed that my physical state was challenged and began to help me out.  I was sitting at the table, getting ready to tackle some of the half-thoughts of tasks when she insisted that I sit on the couch.  Her reasoning was that it was a "softer place to land".  I did a bit of reading and prepared for a meeting I have tomorrow, but mentally got lost in the process.  I think there must be signs I give off when I'm lost or confused because my daughter, then insisted that she help me to bed.
She walked me to the bedroom, brought me my basket of pills, water, phone, laptop and set out my PJ's.  Although, it was her bedtime, she sad with me for a little extra time.  I think she was just making sure that I was settling in okay.  On her way to bed, she told me to give a holler if I needed anything.  Warms my heart.

Although, my Mom didn't tell me that I'd have 3 amazing and compassionate children to assist me when I needed help, she did tell me that I'd have days that were more painful than others.  Mom reminds me that I don't have the flu, I have fibromyalgia.  She also reminds me that what is more important than the physical and emotional struggles is family and we move through the struggles to experience the quality time with family.


Thank you for reading, forwarding and following my blog!!

Is Fibromyalgia a Catalyst to Something More?

Over the past 10 years, since I was handed a diagnosis of Fibromyalgia, I've been seeking answers.  During my search, doctors and research have made it very clear that it is not a disease, it is a syndrome.

My two favorite definitions of syndrome are from Dictionary.com;

1.  the pattern of symptoms that characterize or indicate a particular social condition.

2.  a predictable, characteristic pattern of behavior, action, etc., that tends to occur under certain circumstances: the retirement syndrome of endless golf and bridge games; the feast-or-famine syndrome of bigbusiness.

Neither one of these definitions indicate that there is any physical connection.  A social condition?  Does that mean that we were brought up in certain conditions that produced Fibromyalgia?  A pattern of behavior, action, etc.  Does that mean that if we change our behavior we can overcome the chronic pain, brain fog and deteriorating quality of life?

I can only speak for myself, but I know for sure that my body experiences severe pain and my brain function comes and goes, like the weather.  It is possible that my childhood trauma may have triggered something within my psyche, but as for patterns of behavior, and actions.  I disagree.  The part about 'social condition' indicates that maybe I choose to be disabled because somehow, socially, I believe that is my place in the world.  Why would  I choose that?  I know that I am health, abundance, creative, mindful, intelligent and here to make a difference.  These are my truths, so why would I accept anything less?  I won't and that is why I continue, after 10 years of moving forward with courage, faith and strength to find some answers.  I am passionate about sharing my process in order to inspire others to keep moving forward with their process.  We all have the answers within and my answer may not be someone else's, so all I can do is share what works or doesn't work for me.

As I look at the diversity of this medical challenge, and how it effects people very differently, I wonder if this is a catalyst to move each of us into finding our own paths.  Some of us experience Chronic Pain that is relieved by Aqua Therapy and that was the opposite of my experience.  Some of us can work full time jobs and some can't.  Some of us have multiple other conditions that we're working on juggling along with the misunderstood fibromyalgia.  Each of us could tell a very different story.  Are we being drawn to work this out as a community, but as individuals?  So far, doctors don't really know what to do with us.  Prescriptions have so many side effects that we either need to choose to not take them or we must take others to counteract the side effects of the original.  In my case, my nervous system is so amplified and overwhelmed by stimulus, that I tend to experience severe side effects.  My body literally can't tolerate most prescriptions.

Along with my nervous system being in high voltage, I have uncovered a gift.  At first I didn't make the connection, until I met a fellow Fibro woman who shares the same gift.  We are extremely intuitive.  I have a knack for seeing future events and patterns leading in a particular direction in people's lives.  I wasn't aware of this until I lost a few friendships after sharing what I thought they already knew about what was ahead for them in their lives.  The confirmations of these 'predictions' came when years later, I got emails or an invitation to have coffee and I was told of their current circumstances.  They shared what I had said to them years prior.  I actually thought everyone's brain could see patterns leading in certain directions.  I use my gifts in this area, now, reading tarot cards and coaching others on their spiritual journey.  This is not my calling, I'm sure of it.  I know that everyone has the ability to be aware of the direction they are moving in and to tune into the answers they seek.  I use my skills as a stepping stone for them to gain the confidence that there are messages and guidance for them, and that they can be open to them on their own. Our society is so conditioned to rely on others to lead them and 'fix' their problems that we've been convinced that we must be dependent on the medical field, or the education system and the monetary system (but don't get me started on that).  

There are times when my intuition is so intense that I struggle to be around someone who is not aware of the path they are taking.  They may not even know that they have a choice on their journey.  

"When you have to make a choice and don't make it, that is in itself a choice."  ~William James  

This, I believe is when Universe makes the decision for you.  It may not be the path of least resistance, but it is a path.  On the other hand;

"Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen."  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

So, know what your top values are and make your decisions based on your top values and know that the universe is on your side.

I look forward to sharing more of the things I've learned on my path with fibromyalgia.

Thank you for reading, following and forwarding this post!

Saturday, June 15, 2013

My Grateful 4

Long ago I started being mindful of what I was grateful for.  It was a very nice shift from the obsessions over world crisis, tomorrow's unknowns and stresses of the day.  My children began their own Grateful 4 journals at age 6, and we would sit together, on the floor, sharing the four things we were each grateful for.  Here are a some of their entries;

         I thakfl fo my brothr am sisr (I'm thankful for my brother and sister)
         Im thakfl fo my scl (I'm thankful for my school)
         Im thakfl fo my famole (I'm thankful for my family)
         my mom hgs me then i hg hr bak (my mom hugs me then I hug her back)
         pece (peace)
         Love
         Stors (stars)

Today, here are mine;
1.  Family!  Starting with my husband and three wonderful children.  As I sit here and write, I can hear the heart-swelling sounds of teenage laughter.  I sit here knowing that my husband was able to take a rare, but supremely deserved day of rest.  He literally watched movies all day.  Which is one of his favorite things to do, being a film and tv person.  I've written a whole post on my amazing husband, so I'll use this time to praise my offspring.  I feel they are my angels.  Since the moment I found out I was pregnant, I knew that they chose me.  I'm grateful that they chose me and I strive to be the best guide to them in this world, that I can be.  Although they are triplets, they are very different people, with very different interests.  Every day, I'm thankful for their light, gifts and personalities.  As a single mom, for 12 years, to these miracle three, I am blessed that I was able to bond with them so closely.

2.  Health!  It may seem strange for a fibro chick to be grateful for health, but it's true.  Health and wellness have always been a top core value in my life.  I look at each day, good and challenging, as opportunities to learn more about bettering my health and taking stock in the health I have.  I can eat healthy foods, exercise every day, walk, communicate, create, and explore.  These are all wonderful aspects of health.  My physical and mental selves don't always function the way I'd like them to, but then I see it as a good lesson in non-attachment to the expectations of my experiences.  And where would the wonder and curiosity be if what I expected came my way all the time?

3.  Being alive during this World changing shift in consciousness!  This is one of the most important times in our world.  We are at a tipping point.  The dichotomy that surrounds us is creating war and peace.  We are learning about the true government and the cover-ups as well as the monopolies that parent numerous small companies, giving them great power.  On the other side, there are peace groups forming, social networks coming together to envision a better way to live in this world.  There are numerous individuals who are teaching us how to create a better world and it begins with taking responsibility of our own choices and our own lives.  There is an uprising of the people and I find it fascinating! Don't get me wrong, I've never been interested in politics, but observing, reading and learning about what is happening around the globe make me want to get involved.

4.   My process in blogging!  Writing about my inner experiences and being transparent about my world has given me great freedom.  For some, freedom comes from journaling and keeping it in a nice, sometimes hidden or locked, notebook.  Some find relief in venting to a friend.  I've tried many avenues to try to find what works best for me.  So far, writing down what is flowing through me in the moment creates a sense of relief.  After each post, I notice a lift in my energy.  I am doing something that I can truly enjoy and it flows with ease and grace.  I'm also receiving feedback from others who relate, or laugh or cry while reading my posts.  Bonus!  There is nothing better than doing something that comes form the heart and brings great joy that also benefits others!

What are your Grateful 4?

Thank you for reading, forwarding and following my blog!


Friday, June 14, 2013

Doing What I Know Helps Even When it's Hard

I want so badly to be able to focus on my family; triplets and husband.  My kids recently got involved with the film industry and modeling.  I am passionate about supporting their dreams and exploration in the world.  After a month of waiting to hear about some work, the kids have been very patient and today, they got booked for a movie.  They'll be extras, which is a great place to begin.  I'm so happy for them and can't wait to let them know that they will be on set on Monday.

The overwhelm I feel is around my illnesses, my multiple doctor's appointments and the daily in-the-moment status.  Today, I've been out of the house and a bit more active than I've been all week.

 It feels as though the movement is causing some physical and emotional discomfort.  Experiencing Fibromyalgia for 10 years and I still have days when I feel like this is just weird!  Why is my movement causing discomfort.  I just want to be in bed, and that may be the depression talking.  Sadness is always tugging from within and I keep it at bay most of the time.  Today, the sadness is seeping out my pours.  I feel emotional bubbling just under my skin and my eyes are leaky.

I planned to go swimming after my doctor's appointment this morning, but forgot my swim bag and missed my window of pool time.  It may seem counter-intuitive with the discomfort in my body, but I'm going to go for a joggle.  Just maybe the energy in my body is stuck and needs some shaking up.  A wobbly jog or slow walk can only do my mind and body good, as long as I keep it moderate.  I tend to overdue it once I get outdoors.

I'll be back in a bit to finish this blog and let you know how it goes... Feel free to read and comment on some of my other posts until I get back (elevator music playing).


Oh, you're still here.  Excellent!  It was a success.  Getting out into the fresh air and some exercise was helpful.  I feel, well, cleansed.  I do think it was an energy build up, as well as toxins that needed to be released.  I'm not so overwhelmed, I'm much more in the moment and the sadness has subsided (not gone, but better).  It can be so hard to follow through with what I know helps when all I want to do is crawl into bed.

One more thing before I go to get ready to tell the kids the good news about being in a movie.  While on my runish/walkish exercise, I was again presented with some 'breadcrumbs'.  At first I didn't realize they were signs, but Universe really knows what I need, in the moment.  Heading down the street, a shiny object caught my eye (ok, those of you who know me...sparkly things do distract me), and when I looked at it I realized it was a nut.  Not the type you eat, but he kind that a bolt goes through.  No big deal, there are a lot of junk things on the side of the road.  On my way back home, something caught my eye and it was another nut.  Two...and I know there are no coincidences, so I had to giggle.  That
was my turning point, the giggle.  So, I guess I'm either nuts or I have a screw loose :)  Either way, I'm feeling better and I'm proud of myself for pushing through to do what I know helps me heal.






Thank you for reading!  Please forward this to friends.  I'd love to hear from you also.  You can add your comments below.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

A Big Surprise

I started this blog as an outlet for the challenges I was experiencing and never had a way to express them.  For years I felt as though I wasn't being authentic.  I was a 'good spiritual student' and followed all the advice of my mentors.  I became more aware of my thought patterns and learned how to turn them around, I uncovered old beliefs that didn't serve me any longer and replaced them with new ones.  I faked it, believing that I'd eventually make it.  The more I faked it, the more I felt like I was a fraud.  I was trying to balance the shadow side of me with the light. It was dim, but I knew it was still there.  
At some point, last Fall, I ran out of energy to continue faking it and hoping that one day I'll make it.  The shadows crept in and took over.  They were so intense and overwhelming that I felt I had no control over them.  The tsunami of all the emotional and physical pain I was in, had washed away the hopes and dreams of one day enjoying the life (inside and out) that I deserved.  I didn't talk about the shadows because I didn't want to put any energy into them.  Again, this may have been a misunderstanding, on my part, of the teachings from my spiritual leaders.  Seeing the devastation after the tsunami, I realized that 'their' way was not what was working for me.  I needed to find my way to heal.  

I know for sure, that I'll never be someone who complains, bitches or uses my illnesses as an excuse.  My intentions for writing, is not to purge the grossness so someone will rescue me and fix it for me.  I intend to express the greatness of the gifts as well as the challenges and as I do that, I'll continue to look at the challenges as opportunities to learn and grow and heal.  I have things to do in this world.  
Important things and without the healing process, I'll never be able to fulfill my destiny (whatever that may be).  I'm a seeker and I always will be.  

I'm enjoying this journey and it's been a Big Surprise that others have been coming across my blog, reading it and returning.  My gratitude goes out to all those, around the world, who have read and hopefully, enjoyed or related to my stories. Thanks to the individuals from, the USA, the Netherlands, Russia, Australia, Canada, Germany, the United Kingdom, Japan, Morocco, and Malaysia.  My heart glows knowing that these words, my stories and my vulnerability in the stories has been shared around the globe.  This blog is the authentic me and I'm overjoyed that I have the opportunity to have found a place where I can be authentic and inspire others.
Knowing that there are ten countries reading my blog, I'd really enjoy hearing from those of you who are reading.  It is one thing to know that these countries are represented, but it is a whole other feeling when I can connect with the individuals who are, quietly, a part of my community.  Please feel free to send a quick 'Hello' or share your story in the comments section below.  You inspire me!


Thank you for reading, forwarding, and following my blog!






Wednesday, June 12, 2013

To ECT or Not to ECT, That is the Question

Both of yesterday's doctor's appointments revolved around the possibility of using ECT as a treatment for the major depression I experience.  Electroconvulsive Therapy has been proven many times over to be 80% effective with depressive disorders.  It came up as an option for me because my body doesn't tolerate prescription medications.

My first reaction to the proposition of going through ECT treatments, was, "No way!".  I definitely had some preconceived notions about the procedure. I thought that it would be painful and I didn't know enough about it.  This brought up lots of fear.
So, in most cases where I sense fear, I research.  While online, I learned that ECT is the benchmark that many pharmaceutical companies base their medication effectiveness on.  My doctor confirmed these findings also.  There hasn't been one medication that has come close to being 80% effective in treating depression.

I, of course, had many conversations with my husband about this option and he was extremely concerned that it may send me into a fibro flare for who knows how long.  The electric shock does cause the muscles in the entire body to clench.  While we talked to the doctor, I mentioned Ray's concerns and also told Dr. S that I suspected that his worries stemmed from his passion for movies.  I was right.  He said that he kept thinking about one move, a long time ago, that had a character who went through some rudimentary electric shock treatment.  She assured him that today's treatments are very safe, professionally monitored and I'd be under anesthesia for less than 15 minutes.  Ray seemed to be much more at ease about the process after hearing more about the current practices.

As I continued to research, I also found some scientific studieshttp://www.painjournalonline.com/article/S0304-3959(06)00002-9/abstract
studies showing evidence that fibromyalgia pain can be greatly reduced with ECT treatments.  This was all good news!


As someone who will never give up on the possibilities of a better quality of life, I'm willing to try new (and sometimes scary) things to get better.  It is so exhausting to constantly be aware of my thoughts and turn them around to the positive.  I get tired of using my energy to keep that tugging sadness at bay, every day. Each day feels like I'm walking through thick mud, making sure my posture is upright (because tests show that lifts the mood), and when I least expect it, the slightest touch sends fireworks of pain through my body.  My strong belief that I can live a life with ease and grace carries me forward.  I realize, in this time of evolution, the chances of every minute of every day, being easy and graceful, are slim.  That won't stop me from pushing on the edges of the evolutionary timeline.

Thank you for reading, forwarding and following!



Disclaimer:  In no way am I a doctor or professional health care provider.  Any and all information that I share here is my experience.  Always consult your doctor with questions or do your complete research.  This blog is not medical advice and I am not advocating any medical treatments.  What works for me may not work for you, so talk to your doctor.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Vacationing in Shambhala


It's been one of those days.  Every minute was a challenge to focus on the gifts and to stay positive.  I utilized all my tools to combat the negative thoughts, the physical and emotional pain and it was exhausting.  I had two back-to-back doctor's appointments an hour away from home.  I've become aware that when a doctor begins to ask me questions, I fall into the defensive.  I've encountered many physicians who have told me, to my face, that Fibromyalgia is a catch-all diagnosis and that I'm just too sensitive.  The next step was to pull out the prescription pad and send me home with pills.  It took a year and a half for doctors to realize that my body was not tolerating prescription meds and that was after numerous ER visits with side effects.  I had been communicating, as best as I could, that I have never been able to take prescription medications.  It got to a point where doctors would look at my laundry list of medications that made me very sick and told me that they 'prescribe', so there was nothing they could do for me.  One particular doctor said to me, "I just don't know what to do with you."  With a foggy brain, poor memory and low comprehension skills during a flare, I was ineffective in advocating for myself.  So, today, I brought my husband along for support and also as an extra set of ears in case I didn't understand or couldn't communicate well.  Once the doctor began asking me questions, my anxiety began to raise and I became fearful that she either wouldn't support the diagnosis of fibromyalgia or she wouldn't hear what I had to say.  I've often felt judged in situations like that.  When Ray noticed my anxiety heighten, he quietly leaned over and reminded me that the doctor is just collecting information.  He said she's not judging me, she is just trying to help me by determining what the next treatment step would be.  With his support, I was able to breathe a little easier.  In the end, the doctor did come up with a treatment plan that I was ready to try and it doesn't include any pills.


I left the appointments feeling hopeful, although there was still this inner tugging of sadness.  I feel this tugging every day and I bless this sensation my body is feeling, I affirm that I am healthy and whole and I ask to know the blessing, now.  Sometimes I get an answer, but not today and that's okay.

My physical and emotional energy levels felt depleted when we got home.  This is a familiar experience in my body and I know what I need to do when I get to that point.  I need to have a little to eat and to lay down.  Sometimes, resting my body in a quiet and comfortable space helps me recover in a matter of a half hour or, sometimes it takes the rest of the day.  Not today, I needed to drive my kids here and there, then we had a much needed family meeting, which lasted a great deal longer than planned.  Granted, at this point I still hadn't rested or eaten.  As my energy plummets, it is much harder to manage the pain and depression.  That tugging becomes a strong pull until everything hurts and the tears feel inevitable.

My rest has begun, six hours after it was truly needed.  I definitely pushed myself too far today.  This is good to know, so I can plan things much better next time.  Small snacks to bring in the car would have helped.  Agreeing on an end time for our family meeting could have helped or even having the family meeting in my bedroom while I rested could be helpful next time.  All good lessons for me to keep in mind.

After today, I've decided that I'm going on vacation.  I'm going to the wonderfully sacred place of Shambhala.  Many people believe this place to be a myth and many believe it to be a state of mind you can reach through enlightenment.  I choose to believe that it's a real and beautiful place of love and peace.  A place that knows the secrets of being and living in harmony with each other and our planet.  I'm going to rest and rejuvenate and learn some of the ancient teachings so I can bring them back with me to share them with my community.

Part of the myth is that when the world reaches the worst point ever with violence, natural disasters and overwhelming poverty, the residents of Shambhala will emerge and teach us how to live without violence and in harmony with our planet earth.  Before this happens, more of us need to wake up.  We each need to take responsibility for our part in the demise of the planet.  Then take massive action to correct where we have gone astray.

My journey begins in about 10 minutes when I close my eyes for the evening.  For now, I can only travel to Shambhala in my dreams, but maybe someday, I'll be flying off to the Himalayas.  I can let go of the circumstances of my day and know that my soul is whole, healthy, peaceful and connected to the energies of Shambhala.  Bon Voyage!


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Monday, June 10, 2013

I Choose to Fly

With chronic illness, many times people are taken away from the things they use to do.  Activities they enjoyed, strived for and were good at.  Fibromyalgia is no different in the way that it has instigated shift in my life.  I'm compelled to look at my life differently now.  I went through a grieving process as I let go of the expectations and dreams I had before chronic illness.  I defined myself as the business owner, the long distance runner who planned to do a marathon, the risk-taker who flew on the trapeze, the spiritual leader and consummate learner.  I was convinced that all of those things were in the past and at one point, I had a shivering vision of being the mom, wife and homemaker who gave up on herself.  A shell of a person with no light in her eyes.

That vision rattled me and sparked the strength within.  I know that my life is not over and I don't have to live the rest of my life as a shell of my former self.  I'm only 45, people are living until 150 these days.  That's a long time to be in the world and unhappy.  NO WAY!  That would also be subjecting my family and friends to nothingness.  I wouldn't have anything to offer, give and share with them; just dead grey eyes.  I'm not done here, in my life and in the world.  I believe everyone has something to offer to benefit society, especially those who have challenges.  We're the ones who find out what we're made of and the choice between giving up or flying smacks us in the face.  I choose to fly!

Now that I've made the choice, I can move forward to explore how I can fly.  There's no wavering here.  I need to try new things, explore a different angle of the old things and listen to my inner voice.  One thing I do know about myself, at this time, is that my confidence fluctuates quite a bit with the challenges of major depression.  Medically, there's a treatment plan in place, but there must be a personal plan also.  I can't afford to waiver, I must stick to my choice to fly with a firm commitment.  As @Tony Robbins would say, "If you're going to take the Island, you must burn the boats.".  There's no turning back.

Looking at the things I assumed I wouldn't be able to do, I realize that with some small adjustments, I can still take part in some or most of them.  I'm able to do coaching sessions and Tarot card readings over the phone and I can schedule them for when they work for me.  There's my business.  It doesn't have to be a large, hustle and bustle business.  I can be an independent contractor making my own schedule and choosing who I work with to make sure I'm not overwhelmed and the quality of service stays in tact.  Running has always been a huge part of my life.  It's something that lifts my mood, keeps me fit, and brings me joy.  The vision of the marathon really wasn't about the marathon, it was about doing what I love to do and that's run.  Letting go of the attachment to what I use to define as running, I can redefine running to fit into my needs.  It's more like a joggle that turns into a walk.  I'm outside and I'm still enjoying the exercise.  As for the spiritual leader, I have a feeling this just comes through me.  Again, shifting my perception of what that use to mean.  I envisioned speaking on stage and sharing The Word and encouraging others to connect with their malkutah, inner kingdom.
It seems as though, I live this and may be a spiritual teacher just by being and living it.  Also, I can learn through books, documentaries, online classes that have no time frame to complete.  The trapeze...I'll let go of that one.  Just thinking about it makes my body hurt, so I guess it wouldn't bring me joy anymore.

As for new options, I'm still exploring.  Writing brings me joy and doesn't feel like a chore.  It seems to be something that my heart just feels it needs to do.  I'm also pretty good at predicting the weather.  My body tells me when a cold front or rain is coming.  When the barometric pressure drops, so does my energy and a weight sits on my shoulders.

It feels as though I have a good start to finding the 'new' things that I can do in this world that bring me joy.  Ultimately, I know it's more about being.  Once we are comfortable being who we are truly meant to be, our gifts naturally emerge with ease and grace.  That's flying.


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